Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
