rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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