i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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