Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
