does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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