I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
