I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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