Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
