now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
