The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
