Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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