I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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