What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
