i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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