Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
