You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
