When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
