after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
