guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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