I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
