so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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