he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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