I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
