cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
