Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
