I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
