this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
