i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
