6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
