I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
