Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
