I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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