I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
