He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
