Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
