I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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