that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
