I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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