My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
soo... how was my night?
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