the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
