you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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