we're chasing vodka with high fives
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
