tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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