I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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