i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
