i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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