oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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