i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
