i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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