i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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