How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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